Friday, September 14, 2007

Sick and Depressed

Yesterday, I was down with fever, flu, cough and sore throat. It made my day dull and colourless. I felt rather depressed especially when I looked at our baby. Her eyes, which supposedly were better a few weeks back, are jiggling rather fast again. Her eyes starts to cross more prominently. She is still rather sensitive to light. The more I looked at her, the more desperate and helpless I felt. I know I can do nothing to improve her situation right now but feeling helpless isn't helping me to cope. To add to my worries, her other developments are slightly slower due to her eye condition. Tears start to well in my eyes as I looked at her, trying her best to cope with her eye condition on her own. I felt like hugging her tight, to protect her from all harms, as though by hugging her, her Nystagmus will heal. She seems to cope with it quite well. Unlike me, I felt helpless, desperate, down and sick.

During dinner time, I could not eat even though I was very hungry. I could not bring myself to swallow the food in my mouth. It was almost 7 months ago when I first felt this way, unable to swallow the food in my mouth, even though I was hungry. I remembered vividly, the day we discovered that our baby had Nystagmus, how worried we were, how totally crushed we were, how I had sleepless nights after that, how I cried and cried, how I had no appetite to eat, how I frantically search the Internet for answers and how my heart ached and ached till today.

It's been 7 months now. I thought I was able to cope with this. But I was wrong. Day in and day out, my worries wore me down mentally. Will I ever get through this in one piece? Will I be able to accept that, our baby may have Nystagmus for the rest of her life? Will my tears continue to flow freely whenever I think of her future? Will there be a chance that she will be healed?

So many questions but no answers.

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