Tuesday, March 1, 2011

The Eternal Cycle

This is how I live my life for the past four years.

First, come the feeling of total devastation upon receiving the news confirming that your child suffers from some disorder. It does not help that the more you read (especially from the internet), the more you sink into the black hole. In the loneliness of the dark night, you will lie awake, thinking. Then, the feeling of desperation sets in; the desperation to do something useful to hopefully make things better. Obviously, lots of money is spent in this desperate stage. There is also the countless times in and out of different hospitals and clinics. Days turned into weeks, and then into months, and before you know it, a year have passed by. You wonder how you manage to get through life in your desperate months. Then, slowly, very slowly, the feeling of desperation evaporates because you are no longer as desperate. You have done all that there is to be done and together with that, spent half your life's savings. Life goes on as usual, with that little nagging worry in the back of your mind and deep in your heart. On good days, there will be lots of other matters cluttering your mind and heart, and if you do not dig deep enough into that clutter, you will not reach the core of your worry. On bad days, when there is nothing to clutter your mind and heart, then there it is, the core of your worry, in the spotlight, wide-open in view. But as time passed, the feeling of acceptance slowly comes. Acceptance of the fact that it is meant to be and nothing you do can ever change it.

For awhile, I thought I had arrived at this acceptance stage; that I would have inner peace with my mind and my heart and accept the fact that I had done all that I could for chubby kid. For awhile, I felt at peace. But, I was wrong. How totally wrong I was! It came without warning. I hardly expected the content of the medical report to read what it says. After all, this was not discussed in our previous appointment.

And then the cycle begins once again, back to the feeling of total devastation, waiting for the feeling of desperation to set in and wondering when acceptance will come again in this never ending cycle of emotional roller-coaster.

And I suppose this is how I am going to be living my life in the future.